Star Trek Voyager: The Major Motion Picture
by Jaala
Summary: Another parody featuring the Borg(And the Borg Queen!), Seven getting her uniform on, and Stage Dude, the underpaid stagehand!


**AN: Thanks for all the feedback. You guys are great. And, yes, "parodize" has always been a word in my dictionary(What does Webster know, anyway?). Some quick notes before the parody starts.**

Jeri Ryan is the actress who plays Seven. Most people should know that, but this is just a note for those who don't.

Yes, I love Voyager. I love all the characters. I just also like making fun of them. Strange, right?

Also, I know Voyager doesn't have 47 decks. See, The (Author looks up) Powers That Be use the number "47" whenever they need a random number so I was...you know what? Just forget it! Enjoy. =)

{We open at a meeting room in Paramount headquarters. There's a window and loud Voyager fans are rallying outside. A whole bunch of TV dudes are there.}

Head Honcho: What's the situation?

TV Dude: Isn't it obvious? The fans want a Voyager movie!

Head Honcho: How can you tell?

TV Dude: Listen to them!

Fans: WE WANT MOVIE! WE WANT MOVIE!

Head Honcho: You might be jumping to conclusions, Dude.

Other TV Dude: Regardless, I think making a Voyager movie will be a good idea. Imagine our ratings going up.

Another TV Dude: As long as Seven is featured.

Yet Another TV Dude: Well, duh!

Head Honcho: (Thinks about it) Make it so.

{Scene change to the conference room of our beloved Voyager. Everyone is there except for Seven.}

Janeway: She's still not here?

Tuvok: Apparently not.

Janeway: (Rolls her eyes and starts playing with one of those colorful cubes)

B'Elanna: Maybe we could just start the meeting without Seven.

(All the guys give B'Elanna murderous looks.)

B'Elanna: Uh...just kidding.

{Jeri Ryan enters...out of uniform. She wears a worn out T-Shirt and faded jeans and her hair's a mess.}

Jeri: Sorry, the kids were trouble this morning and I couldn't get to the studio on -

(She sees everybody already in costumes.)

Jeri: Are we filming?

Everybody: (Nods)

Jeri: Well crap! I didn't know that.

Janeway: Obviously. Go get in your costume.

Jeri: That'll take a couple hours.

Janeway: We'll wait.

Jeri: (Nods and leaves)

Tom: We aren't really going to wait for her, are we?

Harry: I could help her get her uniform on.

Janeway: Harry, no. We're not going to wait for her. The (She looks up) Powers That Be want a movie. We're going to give it to them.

Chakotay: What's the movie about?

Janeway: Same old. Same old. Borg. Home. Seven.

Neelix: Do I get screentime?

Janeway: Maybe a bit.

Tuvok: When does this start?

Janeway: Now. Get to your stations.

{Fade out. Then...the movie starts! First, blackness...then "Voyager: The Major Motion Picture" appears on the screen. Roll credits. Then...

Fade in to Sickbay, the Doctor is sitting in his little office, waiting for someone.}

Doctor: (Waits.)

(Camera shot of Sickbay doors)

Sickbay Doors: (Don't open.)

Doctor: (Waits.)

(Camera shot of Sickbay doors)

Sickbay Doors: (Don't open.)

Doctor: (Waits.)

(Camera shot of Sickbay doors)

Sickbay Doors: (Don't open.)

Doctor: Where is she?

(An underpaid stage hand walks in)

Stage Dude: Hey, Jeri Ryan's still getting into her costume. It'll be a while.

Doctor: (Stands up) But we have the first scene together!

Stage Dude: Well she ain't coming.

Doctor: What am I supposed to do?

Stage Dude: (Shrugs) Improvise. (He leaves)

Doctor: (Looks at the camera and smiles) Um...how long is this scene?

Stage Dude: (From off-camera) 6 minutes!

Doctor: Ah...well...I suppose I could regale you with stories of my heroic deeds...

{Camera abruptly cuts to bridge scene. The characters aren't quite expecting the camera this quickly. Janeway is doing an impression of Voyager fans while Tuvok is eating a taco. Chakotay is putting the finishing touches on his tattoo and Harry and Tom are arm wrestling.}

Janeway: And they come up to me and they say: (In a Valley Girl voice) Oh my GAWD! You're Janeway! Wow! Are you EVER going to get with Chakotay! (Stops as she notices the camera.) Oh, are we filming?

Camera Dude: Nods.

Janeway: Oh.

Tuvok: (Drops the taco)

Chakotay: (Puts the make-up case away.)

Tom and Harry: (Stop wrestling after Harry wins for the 100th time)

Janeway: My line...my line...what's my line!?

Harry: Actually, I have the first line.

Janeway: Oh, okay. Go.

Harry: Captain, I'm sensing a disabled ship up ahead.

Tuvok: It is Borg.

Janeway: On screen. (Stands up and walks over to Tom, putting a hand on his shoulder)

Tom: (In a warning voice) Captain...

Janeway: What? (Looks at her hand) Oh! Sorry. (She removes her hand) I forgot.

Tom: I'm serious about that lawsuit, you know.

Janeway: Okay! Okay! No touching. Gotcha.

Tuvok: On screen now.

(The viewscreen shows a mangled Borg ship. Everybody looks on in shock.)

Janeway: What could have done that to the Borg?

Tuvok: Well, Species 8472, another Borg ship, or maybe it's one of the ships that we beat up.

Harry: But aren't the Borg supposed to be like the strongest aliens in the galaxy?

Tuvok: Given the fact that Voyager has single-handedly defeated the Borg on numerous occasions -

Janeway: Tuvok, you're ruining the mood.

Tuvok: Well, sorry! I'm just stating the truth! My gosh! You want my opinion only if it goes along with yours, isn't that right?

Janeway: I-

Tuvok: Fine, I just won't say anything for the rest of this movie! Happy?

Tom: Yes!

Janeway: Uh...okay. (She turns back to the viewscreen) Chakotay, form an away team. See what did this to the Borg. Take Seven with you.

(Stage Dude walks in)

Stage Dude: Uh...Jeri's still getting her costume on.

Janeway: Still?

Stage Dude: These things take time. Have patience.

Harry: Does she need help?

Stage Dude: She says no, but I'm skeptical.

Janeway: Thank you, Stage Dude. Okay, form an away team without Seven.

(Stage Dude leaves as Chakotay stands up)

Chakotay: (Looking around the bridge, trying to decide who to bring.) Hmmm...

All bridge crew: (Look at Chakotay...hoping to be picked)

Chakotay: Tuvok!

Tuvok: (Smiles and does a silent cheer. He runs to Chakotay's side.)

Chakotay: And...

Harry: (Jumping up and down) Ooo! Pick me! Pick me!

Chakotay: B'Elanna!

Janeway: She's in Engineering.

Chakotay: Oh. (Hits his commbadge) B'Elanna!

B'Elanna: (Over comm) What?

Chakotay: You have been chosen to go on the away team!

B'Elanna: (Over comm) Cool!

Chakotay: One more...

Harry: (Looks like he's having a seizure) PLEASE! Pick me! Pick ME!!!

Chakotay: And...Tom.

Tom: (Smiles smugly)

Harry: (Slumps over his console) Aw, man! I never get to go!

Chakotay: (Sighs) Okay, Harry, you can come.

Harry: (Jumps up) Yippeee! (He runs and hugs Chakotay)

Chakotay: (Pushes Harry away) Not here, Harry. Later. (He taps his commbadge) Doc?

Doctor: (Over comm) Yes?

Chakotay: Be prepared for a medical emergency. Harry's coming on an away mission with us.

Doctor: (Over comm) I'll be ready.

(Chakotay leaves with Tuvok, Tom, and Harry)

Janeway: I'll go see if I can help Seven get her costume on.

(Janeway also leaves)

{Scene change to outside of Astrometrics. Janeway walks up. She taps on the door}

Jeri: (Through door) No, Stage Dude, I DON'T need help dressing!

Janeway: It's your captain.

(We hear sounds as if somebody's fallen over)

Jeri: (Through door) Ow...I think I broke something.

Janeway: Do you need help?

Jeri: (Through door) No, I've almost got the uniform up to my knees. Shouldn't be long now.

Janeway: You sure?

Jeri: (Through door) Course I'm sure!

(There's a ripping sound)

Jeri: (Through door) Ah crap!

Janeway: What was that?

Jeri: (Through door) Nothing...um...it'll be a bit longer than expected.

Janeway: Why?

Jeri: (Through door) Um...no reason. Just go.

Janeway: (Shrugs and leaves)

{Scene change to Borg cube. The away team beams down, phasers out.}

Chakotay: Okay, let's use the buddy system. Tom and B'Elanna, you two are buddies.

Tom and B'Elanna: (Smile at each other).

Chakotay: Tuvok and Harry, you two are buddies.

Harry: What about you?

Chakotay: I have my animal guide to be my buddy.

(The three groups go in opposite directions. Harry and Tuvok are walking side-by-side)

Harry: You're not honestly going to stay silent throughout the ENTIRE movie, are you?

Tuvok: (Smiles.)

Harry: Come on, Tuvok! I think you're overreacting.

Tuvok: (Smiles.)

Harry: Fine! Don't say anything.

{Switch to Tom and B'Elanna. They are holding hands and looking into each other's eyes...not paying attention to where they're going.}

Tom: (Runs into a wall) Ouch!

B'Elanna: Oh my gosh! Tom! Are you hurt?

Tom: (Rubbing his nose) Yeah.

B'Elanna: Want me to kiss it and make it better?

Tom: (Smiles) Heck, yeah!

{Switch to Chakotay with his buddy, his animal guide.}

Chakotay: Look, little gerbil. A dead Borg.

(He bends over and examines the Borg)

Chakotay: What do you think killed it?

(He waits)

Chakotay: I agree. Let's wait and ask Tuvok. He's smart. He'll know.

{Switch to Harry and Tuvok again. Harry is working at a console-type-thingie on the wall. Tuvok is leaning against the wall beside him, looking bored)

Harry: Something really powerful must've disabled the ship. I just don't know what.

(Borg Queen enters from behind Harry. He doesn't notice her, but Tuvok does.)

Tuvok: (Starts hitting Harry)

Harry: Ow! What's that for?

Tuvok: (Holds up 2 fingers)

Harry: Oh, charades. Okay two words. First word, one syllable. Gotcha.

Tuvok: (Starts waving his arms around.)

Harry: Uh...space? Ship?

Tuvok: (Acts like a zombie.)

Harry: Dead?

Tuvok: (Acts like he's assimilating Harry)

Harry: Oh! Borg! Is that right?

Tuvok: (Nods)

Harry: Okay. 2nd word. 1 syllable.

(Meanwhile, the Borg Queen creeps closer, drawing out the suspenseful scene)

Tuvok: (Puts his hands above his head like a crown)

Harry: Crown? Hat?

Tuvok: (Tries to look regal.)

Harry: Uh...the Doctor? No, one syllable! Uh...cat?

Tuvok: (Gives Harry the patented "Janeway look")

Harry: The captain? Oh! Queen! Borg Queen! What about her?

Tuvok: (Gets his phaser out and shoots the Borg Queen)

Harry: (Turns) Oh! I get it! Borg Queen! Cool! Hey, I might survive through this away mission after all!

Borg Queen: (Grabs Harry's ankle. He collapses to the ground and she assimilates him.)

Tuvok: (Shoots the Borg Queen again. Then he hits his commbadge.)

Janeway: (Over comm) Yes?

Tuvok: (Doesn't know quite what to do. He starts banging on the wall.)

Janeway: (Over comm) What's that?

Tuvok: (Jumps up and down.)

Janeway: (Over comm) Who is this?

Tuvok: (Is tired from all that jumping, and he starts breathing heavy.)

Janeway: (Over comm) That's enough!

(Tuvok's commbadge explodes. Janeway had given him the patented "Janeway look" over the comm)

Tuvok: (Shrugs and starts dragging the Borg Queen and Harry off-camera)

{Switch back to Chakotay. He's still wandering around. Soon, he hears scraping noises from behind him}

Chakotay: Phasers ready! (He swirls around with his phaser out)

(Tuvok enters, dragging the Borg Queen and Harry.)

Chakotay: Tuvok! What happened?

Tuvok: (Beeps Chakotay's nose and smiles)

Chakotay: Umm...alright. (He hits his commbadge) Captain?

Janeway: (Over comm) Yes, Chakotay?

Chakotay: Two to beam directly to Sickbay. Harry's been hurt.

Janeway: (Over comm) Well, duh! Who else is getting beamed up?

Chakotay: (Music escalates) The Borg Queen!

Janeway: (Over comm) Oh her? Okay. Gotcha.

(Harry and the Borg Queen are transported away.)

Chakotay: Let's find Tom and B'Elanna. There's nothing helpful here.

(Tom and B'Elanna suddenly come running up, their uniforms looking disheveled.)

Chakotay: Um...you two weren't...

Tom: No!

B'Elanna: Don't be ridiculous!

Chakotay: (Gives them a skeptical look, then hits his commbadge) Chakotay to Voyager, beam us up.

(All four are beamed back up to the ship.)

{Scene change to Sickbay. The Doctor is standing over the Borg Queen. Janeway is by her side and Chakotay is behind Janeway. Serious, dramatic music plays.}

Borg Queen: So, we meet again, Captain Janeway.

Janeway: But this time, it seems I have the upper hand.

Borg Queen: (Laughs) You always were a nuisance.

Janeway: (Raises an eyebrow) Funny, I could say the same thing about you.

Borg Queen: Once I die, there will be another. And she will hunt you as I have.

Janeway: And I will whoop her rear end like I whooped yours.

Borg Queen: (Laughs again) That you will, my friend. That you will.

Chakotay: Uh...shouldn't we ask her what attacked them?

Janeway: (Turns) We were having a dramatic discussion. It's in the script! Do you have a problem with that? (She gives him the patented "Janeway look")

Chakotay: (Cowers behind that little console thing) No. No problem.

Janeway: Good. (She turns back to the Borg Queen) Who attacked you?

Borg Queen: (Opens her mouth to say something.)

Janeway: I'm not asking just because he told me to.

Borg Queen: (Decides to ignore her and opens her mouth to speak again)

Janeway: I mean, I AM the Captain. I know what to do. He doesn't boss me around.

Borg Queen: (Rolls her eyes and opens her mouth again)

Janeway: I asked because it's the right thing to do. Not because he suggested it or anything.

Borg Queen: (Screams) It was the KAZON! The KAZON! Did this! (She starts having a seizure.)

The Doctor: (Pushes Janeway away) She's going into plotforwarding shock!

Janeway: Wait! (She shoves the Doc away and leans closer to the Borg Queen) How? How did they do it?

Borg Queen: (Still in shock) Virus....deactivated our shields...vulnerable...beat us worse than you did.

Janeway: But how could the Kazon do that? They're stupid!

Borg Queen: (Shrugs) They have a way...to get you...home...

Janeway: What? How?

Borg Queen: (Pulls Janeway close to her) Tell...Seven of Nine...that...

Janeway: What? What is it?

Borg Queen: Tell...Seven...that...I...AM...her...mother. (And with that, the Borg Queen breathes her last breath...and dies. Um...duh, if she breathes her last breath, of course she's dead! Excuse the scriptwriter for that redundancy.)

Janeway: Call a conference. We need a meeting.

Doctor: What about Harry?

Janeway: What about Harry?

Doctor: He's turning into a Borg!

Janeway: Doctor, deassimilate him. You've done it thousands of time.

Doctor: Oh yes. Of course.

{Scene change to conference room. Janeway, Chakotay, B'Elanna, Tom, Harry, Neelix, Tuvok, and the Doctor are there.}

Janeway: The Kazon apparently have developed a virus that can disable shielding. The Borg lost both their ship's shields and their personal shields. They stood no chance.

B'Elanna: But we left Kazon space years ago. That was Season 2 or something like that.

Tom: (Leans over) It's called "needing a plot", hon.

B'Elanna: And the Kazon were stupid, aggressive, war-hungry people. They didn't have the brains to create something like this.

Tom: (Leans over again) B'Elanna, it's called "needing a plot". Just ignore it.

Neelix: Can I say something?

Janeway: Of course.

Neelix: Actually, I was just asking if I could have a line. I haven't done anything so far in this movie.

Janeway: Well, what do you want to do?

Neelix: I don't know. I just want to help out somewhere.

Janeway: I'll think of something and get back to you. How's that?

Neelix: That will be just great!

Janeway: Good. Now back to the business at hand. Suggestions?

Tuvok: (Raises a hand)

Janeway: Yes?

Tuvok: (Types something on a PADD and scoots it across the table to Janeway)

Janeway: (Picks it up) "Search and destroy"?

Tuvok: (Smiles and nods)

Janeway: I'll take that into consideration.

B'Elanna: Actually, I like his idea.

Janeway: We need Seven here. She'd help us. (Sighs) In the meantime, search for Kazon vessels. Dismissed.

{Scene change to outside Astrometrics again. Janeway walks up and knocks on the door.}

Jeri: (Through door) Doggone it! What? 

Janeway: Seven?

Jeri: (Through door) No, Jeri! I still can't get this **** uniform on!

Janeway: (Ignores her) I have some...bad news.

Jeri: (Through door) What? They got a smaller outfit for me?

Janeway: (Rolls her eyes) The Borg Queen is dead.

Jeri: (Through door) Isn't that good? Didn't she want to kill us or something?

Janeway: She was your mother.

(You can hear a thump from the other side of the door.)

Jeri: (Through door) My mother? That's quite a plot twist. So I guess it'll have a lot of Seven angst and then her need for revenge as she tries to kill whoever killed her mother, right?

Janeway: (Flips through the script) Yep. Pretty much.

Jeri: (Through door) Cool. Who killed her?

Janeway: The Kazon.

Jeri: (Through door) Who are they?

Janeway: Before your time.

Jeri: (Through door) Oh. Well, I've got the uniform up to my waist. The hard part's coming up. It'll be a while.

Janeway: Could you hurry up? Or at least do it on camera so that the ratings will go up?

Jeri: (Through door) You're kidding, right? Just go.

(Janeway rolls her eyes and leaves.)

{Scene change to Janeway's ready room. She's sitting at her desk, doing something on that little computer. Neelix enters.}

Neelix: Captain.

Janeway: (Holds up a hand) Wait a minute.

Neelix: (Walks over and looks over Janeway's shoulder) Minesweeper? What's that?

Janeway: Gosh darnit! I hit a mine! (She shoves the computer off the desk and pouts.) What do you want?

Neelix: Chakotay said to tell you they have detected a Kazon ship several light years from here. They've set a course.

Janeway: Cool. What else?

Neelix: Um...what am I supposed to do?

Janeway: (Thinks for a minute) You know. I need Seven, Neelix. Why don't you go help her get dressed?

Neelix: (Shocked) Why, Captain! I...

Janeway: She's up to her waist now. She said the hardest part is coming up. Why don't you go down to Astrometrics and help her?

Neelix: But...I...

Janeway: That's an order!

Neelix: Yes, Captain.

(He leaves)

(Janeway picks the computer up and starts playing Minesweeper again)

{Scene change to Astrometrics. Neelix is standing nervously outside the door.}

Neelix: Um...Seven? Jeri? The Captain said I should help you. You're up to your waist, right?

Jeri: Wrong, back down to the knees.

Neelix: What happened?

Jeri: Look, I had 5 cups of coffee this morning. I had to go to the bathroom! It just couldn't wait!

Neelix: I see. Can I come in?

Jeri: (Silence for a bit) Sure, I could use some help. I hate missing the entire movie!

Neelix: (Closes his eyes and enters)

(As the doors open we see...nothing. This has a PG rating, guys. Let's just cut to a new scene, shall we?)

{Scene change to Bridge. Janeway is there and so's everybody else.}

Paris: We are in communications range of the Kazon ship.

Janeway: Call them!

(Everybody stares at her)

Janeway: (Slaps her forehead) HAIL them! Hail! Hail! Forgot. Sorry!

(A Kazon appears onscreen)

Kazon Dude: Ah...the famous Janeway.

Janeway: Cut the crap. Why are you this far out and where did you get that virus?

Kazon Dude: (Giggles) I am Kazon! Hear me ROAR! (He pounds his chest)

Janeway: (Rolls her eyes)

Kazon Dude: I see my display of manliness has you speechless. Undoubtedly, you will surrender your vessel to me now.

Janeway: Not likely. I can roar louder than you any day!

Kazon Dude: Oh yeah?

Janeway: Yeah!

Kazon Dude: Go ahead then! A contest. The loser surrenders their vessel to the other!

Janeway: Deal! Now, who'll be the judge? We need somebody objective... (She gets an idea) Stage Dude!

(Stage Dude enters)

Stage Dude: Please tell me you aren't going to ask me to do what I think you're going to ask me to do.

Janeway: Tell us who roars the loudest.

Stage Dude: You know, I'm only doing this gig for the money. Am I getting paid extra for this?

Kazon Dude: I'll go first.

(Kazon Dude roars mightily.)

Stage Dude: Wow!

Janeway: (Smiling) Now, my turn.

(Janeway sucks in her breath and roars. The bridge crew is knocked out of their seats and the Stage Dude is thrown against the wall)

Stage Dude: (Rubbing his head) She wins.

Kazon Dude: No! Disable their shields! Energize!

Harry: Captain, somebody just got transported off the ship. Somebody in Astrometrics.

Janeway: Seven! Hey, you lied! You cheated!

Kazon Dude: Ha! Ha! Take us out of here!

(The Kazon ship zooms away from them. Janeway's commbadge beeps.)

Jeri: (Over comm) Hey, Kate? Uh...Captain? Neelix just got transported somewhere.

Everybody on bridge: Neelix?

Janeway: They must've gotten the wrong one accidentally. Why would they want Neelix? (To Seven) How far are you coming with your uniform?

Jeri: (Over comm) Slowly.

Janeway: Keep at it. (Cuts off communication) Neelix? My gosh! Poor Kazon!

{Scene change to the conference room. Everybody's there...minus Seven and Harry}

Janeway: We've lost their trail. Neelix...is gone.

Tuvok: (Does a silent cheer)

Everybody else: (Hangs their heads for a couple seconds. Then looks up again)

Janeway: But I want to find some Kazon ship. They have a way for us to get home. (Music starts as Janeway stares out the window) Home. (Dramatic) We were stranded here years ago. Maquis and Starfleet. Who would've thought that we could unify for the single purpose of finding home again? At the time, we shrugged the Kazon off as idiot warriors. Like Klingons who had head-butted one too many times...

B'Elanna: (Looks offended, but doesn't say anything. After all, the captain is making one of her speeches, and you should NEVER interrupt those!)

Janeway: (Continuing)...now we search for them. As our saviors. (The music escalates and gets louder...so loud, Janeway is having to yell to be heard) WE MIGHT MAKE IT HOME WITHIN A COUPLE DAYS, INSTEAD OF...ah heck, I can't work like this. HEY! (She waves her arms.)

(Music stops and Sound Dude enters)

Sound Dude: What?

Janeway: A little softer. I'm having trouble making myself heard.

Sound Dude: Truthfully, Captain, the audience was getting bored with your speech. They wanted the music to drown it out.

Janeway: Oh. Okay. Well, stop playing that music and I'll stop my speech.

Sound Dude: Okey-dokey.

(Sound Dude exits)

Janeway: Where was I?

Chakotay: We're searching for another Kazon ship.

Janeway: Oh yeah! To the bridge, everyone!

{Scene change to bridge, several hours later}

Harry: I'm detecting a ship. It's heading towards us.

Janeway: (Stands up and walks to the viewscreen, placing a hand on Tom's shoulder)

Tom: Captain!

Janeway: (Looks down) Oh! I forgot. Sorry.

Tom: That's it! You're getting a letter from my lawyer!

Janeway: Oh come on! I didn't even hurt you! We're not talking assault here!

Tom: No, we're talking sexual harassment here. And I DON'T have to take it!

Janeway: (Sighs) This has been a LONG day.

Harry: We're being hailed.

Janeway: Onscreen!

(The Kazon Dude appears)

Kazon Dude: Janeway! Take your crewmember back! Please! I'll give you anything!

Janeway: Anything?

Kazon Dude: Absolutely! We just can't stand him a second longer. He started SINGING!

Janeway: Even the technology to get us home?

Kazon Dude: YES! Even that!

Janeway: Deal!

Kazon Dude: We'll beam him over. We'll send the way to get you home with him.

(The communication is cut off)

Janeway: We may have found our way home, guys.

{Scene change to transporter room. Neelix is there, as is Janeway, Chakotay, and Harry.}

Neelix: It is so good to see you all again! I was worried!

Janeway: Where is it?

Neelix: Ah...right here. (He hands them a PADD) But you might be disappointed.

Janeway: (Grabs it and reads it. Then she throws it against the wall) He did it again!

Harry: (Picks up the PADD)

Janeway: He cheated me again!

Chakotay: (To Harry) What's it say?

Harry: "Click your heels together 3 times and say 'There's no place like home'".

Janeway: (Is throwing a tantrum)

(The others quietly edge out of the room)

{Scene change to Janeway's ready room. It's hours later and she's a good deal calmer, having had several cups of coffee. Seven enters, dressed in a T-Shirt and old jeans}

Janeway: Seven?

Seven: I am here.

Janeway: Where's the catsuit?

Seven: Don't ask. What's my part?

Janeway: None. The movie's just about over after we have this conversation.

Seven: What?

Janeway: You heard me.

Seven: No angst over my mother?

Janeway: (Shakes her head)

Seven: No revenge?

Janeway: (Shakes her head)

Seven: No saving the day?

Janeway: (Shakes her head)

Seven: Well...darn!

(Seven leaves)

Janeway: (Sighs and looks out the window for a sentimental moment) Someday...someday...we'll make it home.

(There's a dramatic moment.)

Janeway: (Spills her coffee) Ah crap! Screw this!

(Janeway walks offstage)

{Back in Paramount headquarters}

Head Honcho: Well? How'd the movie do?

TV Dude: Well, it didn't.

Head Honcho: What?

TV Dude: It was horrible, sir. We never released it.

Head Honcho: And how much money did we spend making it?

TV Dude: $13.47, sir.

Head Honcho: (Sighs) Oh well. Just put out a new action figure or something to make the fans happy.

Merchandising Dude: Excellent idea, sir! I was think of a "Dress-Up Seven" doll! Hours of fun as you dress your favorite Borg!

TV Dude: (Holding his head in his hands) My gosh, what is the world coming to?


End file.
